Learning From Mistakes with Dr. Bev Kaye
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Why do we often view the end of relationships as apocalyptic scenes, rather than a transition to a new chapter? Most relationships don’t end for particularly dramatic reasons – it’s often things like a loss of trust, loss of intimacy, feeling lonely, not feeling understood, different expectations, growing apart – and yet we accept that when the relationship ends those people will never speak to each other again, people are going to have to choose sides, and there will be DRAMA.
I recognize that there are real reasons why you would cut someone off at the end of a relationship (safety, and everything that is implied there being the most important) but, barring those reasons, the expectation that a relationship ending must be catastrophic has always been fascinating to me.
Among other things, it implies that the person you chose to love for whatever period of time is, suddenly, no longer someone who is worthy of love – and, in some ways, that devalues the time you did spend together as a result. It also implies that you made a mistake by being with that person and, therefore, can no longer interact with them (in order to avoid any continued mistakes).
In fact, many of the conversations that happen when relationships end, focus on finding ways to blame the other party and justify whatever less-than-ideal behaviour needs to be justified, and commiserating around the fact that the other person wasn’t good enough for you anyway, so now you can find a better partner – or some version of that.
When I was younger and was not as fully immersed in the world of questioning “all things wholly and completely,” the way I am now, I did all of the things mentioned above and more. It feels good to be in that space, temporarily, and not have to look at any of the things I might have done that led to the end of a relationship. However, times have changed.
If you know me well, you know that one of my best friends on this planet is someone I was in a relationship with for many, many years. And I am friends with (or friendly with, at the very least) many people I dated much more short-term or casually as well. Truly, it is one of the things I’m most grateful for, as it has enabled me to really dig into the lessons I was meant to learn from each of those relationships, implement changes as necessary, and get clear on what I wanted in the future.
And, while I never believed longevity was the measure of a successful relationship (in fact, I think it is one of the most toxic narratives we have in all aspects of life including family, friends, and work), I certainly had no specific measure beyond “not that”.
Nowadays, things are different. Successful relationships are defined not by being together forever, working for the same company forever, or being friends since grade school but, rather, as relationships that worked for both parties (or all parties) and brought more joy than not to both/all parties until they did not. Then, they transitioned into another more appropriate type of relationship. *That next type of relationship may not be anything beyond acquaintances, which is completely appropriate. But, transitioning out of one relationship and into another type of relationship, allows space for people to learn from the experience, take what they need to improve whatever they want to improve, and not get stuck in a spiral of shame, guilt, blame, or anything else that is so often associated with mistakes and failure.
It’s funny because when I look back at my childhood, I recognize that I have always had examples of this type of thing around me, without it ever being stated explicitly. My father was still friends with his ex-wife… And, in fact, when he died, she was an absolute God-send to my mother during that time. While my father wasn’t very close to her, he respected her and they maintained a cordial, if not incredibly close, relationship. Enough so that both my mom and I had great relationships with her. My mother was also friends with pretty much everyone she had ever dated or had expressed an interest in her, with the exception of her ex-husband for one of those safety reasons, mentioned above. My mother was a firm believer that if she liked someone when they dated, but the relationship didn’t work out, it didn’t change the fact that she liked them as a person – so if there was a chance to remain friends and redefine the relationship, she was all for it.
There’s definitely some irony in the fact that now, many years later, I am firmly in the same camp when it comes to the end of any kind of relationship – romantic, working, or otherwise. Providing both/all parties are game, there are ways to transition any of those relationships into something more productive and appropriate for the moment. And, even if that isn’t to the liking of everyone involved, keeping the mindset of “this is an opportunity to learn from a transition” rather than “this is a failure, this was a mistake, this is a break-up and therefore an end”, we are much more likely to focus on learning, rather than shame, blame or guilt.
As a side note here, can we all please stop using charged language like “breaking up” or “getting fired”? There’s just so much negativity and implied blame in terms like that. Perhaps we could instead focus on the transition, the opportunity for learning and growth, and the possibilities that will be presented to us – and encourage those conversations with each other. Instead of using the breaking up language, consider using language like “going our separate ways”, “no longer together”, “choosing a different path”, or owning the transition to another type of relationship if that is what’s happening. And instead of talking about “getting fired”, we could take a lesson from the UK and say “been made redundant”, “let go”, or “parted ways with the company”. All of these open us up to thinking about possibilities, opportunities, and lessons, rather than the shame often associated with getting fired.
In a world that's constantly evolving, it's essential for us to rethink and redefine the way we perceive mistakes, failures, and endings. Whether it's a partnership, a job, or a cherished friendship, it's all about the lessons we can walk away with in the end. Embracing this mindset not only promotes personal growth but also paves the way for future collaborations and connections.
On this week’s episode of the podcast, Dr. Bev Kaye, a career development and retention/engagement expert, shares four decades of wisdom from the field, as well as her conviction that unpacking experiences and learning from mistakes is crucial for all of us.
I had the pleasure of talking to her about:
- Talent mobility
- The importance of unpacking and anchoring experiences
- Acknowledging and learning from mistakes
- How to facilitate safety and growth, as a leader
- Why external validation can be lacking
And, it also led me to explore my thoughts above.
As Bev shares and T.S. Eliot said, "The sad thing is to have the experience and miss the meaning." Would you agree?
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Dr. Beverly Kaye is recognized internationally as one of the most knowledgeable and practical professionals in the areas of career development and employee engagement/retention. Her contribution to the field of engagement and retention includes the Wall Street Journal bestseller, Love ‘Em or Lose ‘Em: Getting Good People to Stay, which is now in its 6th edition. Her recent books in the career development field include Up is Not the Only Way and Help Them Grow or Watch Them Go, which provided overwhelmed managers with a way to blend career conversations into their everyday routines.
In 2018, ATD honored Beverly Kaye with their Lifetime Achievement Award recognizing "her advanced knowledge and extensive practice across the talent development field." In 2018, ISA awarded Dr. Kaye their Thought Leadership Award for her body of work in the support of work-related learning and performance. In 2019, IMS awarded Dr. Beverly Kaye its Lifetime Achievement Award for her contributions to the field of career development and employee engagement. In 2019, the Best Practice Institute awarded Beverly Kaye with the Lifetime Achievement Award based on her significant contributions as a founder of the field of career development. In 2022, i4CP awarded Beverly Kaye their 2022 Industry Legend Award in appreciation of her outstanding contributions and commitment to the field of human resources and leadership.
To learn more about Bev and her work visit bevkaye.com or connect with her on LinkedIn.