Dealing with Workplace Conflict
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How many times have you been in a situation where you have submitted work for review, been on a call giving a status update about a project, or in a meeting talking about next steps for the team and realized that what you’ve been doing isn’t actually what other people understood you to be working on?
Or vice versa, you had a moment where you realized the other person or team hasn’t been doing what you thought they were doing? Honestly, I doubt there is a single reader who stumbles across this post who won’t be able to identify multiple moments like this in their life, whether professional or personal.
Mismatched expectations are so common these days we often don’t recognize them for what they are until far too late in the game. We continue to operate under the guise and the assumption that we are all on the same page, and by the time we figure out we’re not, emotions are running high and we’re so focused on fixing whatever has gone wrong that we never talk about what happened to get us there in the first place. We are quick to blame poor communication (which is definitely part of the problem), competing priorities (which is inevitable when multiple parties are involved), change (which is unavoidable in life), or something else that means we don’t talk about the assumptions and expectations at the root of the problem.
Couple all of that with the fact that the language of expectations seems to have become a dirty word in certain circles* and you have a recipe for disaster.
Because here’s the thing… Expectations are inevitable. We all have ideas about or hopes for the outcome of any situation, let alone the ideas and hopes we have about how we get to that outcome. Success might look different for all of us, but we still have the idea of what success looks like in our mind, and that vision of success is what we are hoping for/working towards/thinking about. Therein lies the inevitability of expectations.
Now, we might try to pretend like that isn’t the case and we might not want to say it out loud so we don’t “jinx it”, or we may only have a vague idea of that success but, regardless, it’s there. And until we examine what that idea of success is, and share it with the people it impacts, we have a potential conflict point.
One of the things I talk about with people I work with is the idea of “ghost expectations,” which I define as expectations we have that we never share or purposely keep loosely defined. Often, we do this so we aren’t disappointed when the outcome doesn’t happen the way we want or so we have something (or someone) to blame when things don’t go according to plan. Ghost expectations often turn into mismatched expectations which then create much more unhealthy conflict and tension than is truly necessary.
There are three key steps to minimizing and, ideally, eliminating ghost or mismatched expectations.
Define.
What does a successful outcome in this situation look like for me?
Don’t be vague here, be honest. The more specific you can be with yourself, the better you’ll be able to know when things are moving in the right direction.Communicate. Share what you’re looking for as an outcome, and tell the other people involved what success looks like for you.
Your expectations might change, there’s nothing wrong with that, it simply means you have to communicate again.Clarify. What is most important for you (and for them) when it comes to success? What MUST happen? What would be nice if it happened but isn’t a requirement?
Encourage them to be curious and ask questions – you must do the same with them. Clarity only happens with curiosity.
Once we have minimized the likelihood of mismatched expectations and ghost expectations (and by the way, this is true of pretty much all situations not just professional ones), we minimize friction points in our relationships and can navigate tension and conflict in a much more healthy way.
In the end, managing expectations isn’t just about avoiding disappointment; it’s about creating a foundation for success. It’s about aligning visions and efforts to turn individual hopes into collective achievements. Let’s not allow ghost expectations to steer our projects and relationships astray. Instead, let’s commit to defining, communicating, and clarifying our paths to success.
As leaders and visionaries, our challenge is to bring these silent expectations into the light. By doing so, we can navigate the complexities of collaboration with greater ease and achieve outcomes that truly reflect our collective best efforts.
This episode of Leading Through Crisis with, CEO and President of Let’s Grow Leaders, Karin Hurt and David Dye delves into The 4 Dimensions of Healthy Conflict and the greatest-of-all-time power phrases you can rely on to achieve your desired outcomes.
*In some cases, it has become a dirty word for good reason. There can absolutely be power dynamics built into the concept of expectations and that can be extremely problematic. AND, that doesn’t mean that’s always the case, that expectations inherently HAVE a power dynamic built-in, or that manipulation and/or abuse of power is inevitable simply because expectations exist.
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Karin Hurt and David Dye help human-centered leaders find clarity in uncertainty, drive innovation, and achieve breakthrough results. As CEO and President of Let’s Grow Leaders, they are known for practical tools and leadership development programs that stick. Karin and David's many books include Courageous Cultures: How to Build Teams of Micro-Innovators, Problem Solvers, and Customer Advocates, and a new book coming out in May 2024, Powerful Phrases for Dealing With Workplace Conflict: What to Say Next to Destress the Workday, Build Collaboration and Calm Difficult Customers.
A former Verizon Wireless executive, Karin was named to Inc. Magazine’s list of great leadership speakers. David Dye is a former executive and elected official. Karin and David are committed to their philanthropic initiative, Winning Wells – building clean water wells for the people of Cambodia.
Learn more about their work and pre-order the book at letsgrowleaders.com.